“Everyone is always saying, ‘Fall in love! Fall in love!’. NO, I do not want to fall in love. No one ever falls in love with me back and that’s unfair.” — A Broken Heart
“Why am I just never worth the fight?” — A broken heart that won’t stop cribbing!
I wish, I really do wish that it didn’t end. We didn’t end.
He broke my heart, into so many tiny little pieces; I’ve even lost a few but no one cares, not even me because I have no use of it anymore. Why did he have to say that he’s falling in love with me just before he left? Its unfair. It feels like every person who loved me ever, left. Its true. Love does things to you. Love made me realise that I can’t be loved, I won’t be loved, no matter what.
I changed, I changed so much. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I had never felt it before. The distance was so much. I had never touched him, smelled him, seen how his skin shone under the sun and yet his voice stirred me so much. I wanted his attention, whenever and always. I wanted to get used to having him in my life. I changed my priorities. Maybe that was a mistake. Love but don’t make love your priority. Why not? I did, isn’t that how love is? It does things to you. It made me open my heart to him. Little did I know, it wasn’t meant to be.
He changed, he changed so much. He didn’t want to see me anymore. This person who loved to just look at me doing nothing, didn’t want to see me anymore. He said that he’s falling in love. What sort of love was that? Love that wasn’t meant to be. He’d ask me, what I feel about it and I’d say, I’m scared. I feel like you’ll just disappear. He disappeared, really. Just like Daddy did. Isn’t love about holding on to each other in their moments of weakness? But i guess, that’s what love does, it does things to you. It made him go *poof*. Just like I told him, he would.
I’d say “Listen?” and he’d reply, “Always”. I believed him every time he said “Always”. In which world does “Always” last just this much? I talk to him in my head sometimes, I tell him things there that I didn’t tell him. I ask him things in my head sometimes but just like when the time when he was going to leave, I don’t get answers. Mostly, I just let a few tears roll down. I try to be strong but I guess that’s what love does to you.
He left me so recklessly, I wonder if the thought of what its doing to me ever crossed his mind. But then, he fell in love with me quite recklessly too and I didn’t complain then. Do you know why? Because, love does things to you.
What did love do to us?
He was so sweet then, he’s a changed man now. I was so gorgeous then, I am just another woman now.
“Even when I left, I came back; I couldn’t see someone leaving you, even if it was me.” — The Silly Heart
No matter how close or far
You will never be mine to belong
Trust that I will look out for you
Like the moon looks out for her star
No matter how close of far
It’s not the miles or the knots that keep us far
I smile even at your guise
I hug the air that warms the distance between us
It’s not the miles or the knots that keep us far
How does it matter now?
Now that November has gone
But babe, remember that the sun is never too old
Wait, how does that matter now?
You are not mine for me to say
I can now never be yours too
You couldn’t claim me, how can I now afford you?
Babe, didn’t I tell you? You are not mine for me to say
No matter how close or far
It’s not the distance, didn’t I tell you?
How does it matter now?
You are not mine to say, babe.
No.
I am sorry that I am not her.
I am sorry that I don’t have thin legs.
I am sorry, I don’t have the perfect shape.
I am even sorry that I don’t have the best hair.
I am sorry that I grunt sometimes when I laugh too hard at your jokes.
I am sorry that I think about you when you are not around.
I am sorry that I get goosebumps when you touch me.
I am sorry that I could never tell you this.
I am sorry that I thought you already know it all.
I am sorry that I fell for you.
I am sorry that I fell in love.
I am sorry that I believed you.
I am sorry that I let you win my trust.
I am sorry that I let my heart beat for you.
I am sorry that I even tried.
I am sorry that I couldn’t see through.
I am sorry that you left the way you do.
I am sorry that I asked you to stay back.
I am sorry that I feel bad for myself.
I am sorry that I have lost what never was mine.
“I run away just to see who will run after me; when I turn around, I only see disappointment, only it. Well, at least I am not alone.” — A Broken Heart
It would have appeared and I would know
Had I only been able to imagine
That like everyone else, he was bound to go
Not anymore, not ever again
Not for a minute, not for a second
Now he’s only someone I used to know
Like the waivered light of a setting sun
Like the mundane love of a bruised woman
Like the hysteria of a night’s fun
We’d want it all back but
He’s only someone I used to know
He should have just let me know
Like everyone else, he was also just bound to go
He shouldn’t have raised my hopes
He shouldn’t have made me believe
He shouldn’t have let me trust
He should’ve just asked me to leave
When he knew that
He wasn’t going to make it last, he wasn’t going to pretend to slow
Like everyone else, he too was bound to go
Why did you walk to me in the first place?
Why did you lead me to this gloomy glace?
I’d have preferred stones to flowers
I’d have chosen loneliness over scars
They say it’s a little sweet and a little sour
But I’d rather nothing for love than have one like our’s
And however much you will find in yourself now
You’ve left and I will never forget how
I’d have crawled away had I only just a clue
That like everyone else, I’d have to lose you
I am not saying that it’s going to happen again
B’cause even when I didn’t, he knew that the future of this was grim
And I’ll let a secret out
If it weren’t for him, love would have always remained a whim.
Despite that however much he finds in himself now
He has left and I will never forget how
I’d have held on to myself and let it not hit this low
Only if I’d have guessed that
Like everyone else, he too was just bound to go.
“If nobody’s perfect then Why Am I The Only One Alone?” — A broken heart
I am that somebody who makes me want to look forward to tomorrow. I am that somebody who deserves me. I am that who pleases me. I am…
Lot’s of I-s up there? It’s deliberate.
A sudden realisation has dawned upon me. Love isn’t meant for me. I am not made for it. My flesh, my blood - each and every drop of it craves for anything but love. I do not want to be loved. I do not.
This blog makes me feel silly now. All the mushiness, all the fuzziness, I need none of it. I don’t know if I will still continue writing here. Everyone’s born with a purpose, and mine isn’t love. I was born was for something more concrete, something I have control over, something that I can achieve. Not love. Definitely not it.
And this is not a “vent” post.
I was reading a book written by a friend and it helped me clear this mist that had dazed me in the last few months, all these encounters with men in my life that have shaped into nothing but helped me strengthen this thought that has been building all this while. Ironically, the book is about people falling in love . But. Not everyone needs cuddles to get through long nights. Not everyone needs a kiss to be silenced. Not everyone needs to let out a moan to ease their mind. I am not everyone.
It’s a resolve. I am not going fall for it anymore. All the softness of it, all the rosiness of it, I am done with it. I do not have the patience to let it happen to me while I long for it happen with each passing second turning into minutes turning into hours turning to days turning into months turning into years. I am going to get on with my original plan. A plan that I allows me to feel satisfied without waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. A plan that I can get on with now that I have nothing distracting me. A plan to rule the world, at least my world.
Yes. I have a plan to rule the world and I am going to share it with you.
Here it is. My plan - Work, work, work, be awesome at my work, work, work, be known, work, get paid well, sleep, work, work, make more money, sleep, work, buy everything that YOU can only dream of, work, sleep, work, travel the world,sleep, work, have people take appointments to meet you, sleep, work, lead meetings, have people make fan pages and websites of me, work, work, shape newer ideas, newer thoughts, work, change the world, take decisions for more than just myself, work, adopt a baby girl, work, play with her, see her grow up and then maybe tell her about something called Love that may happen to her. I hope that while I am en route with my plan, I don’t wrinkle too much.
Right now I really want to quote myself. It’s Apt.
Love doesn’t happen to all, foolish are those who take this pain.
Maybe I will still keep writing here to keep my hypocritical side alive but you should know that it will never be real again. I can not feel Love. I am not made for it.
I am not.
“I didn’t choose to live here but I wish I had, only then I wouldn’t be blaming you now, O Lord. It’s been long and I have learned to lay myself with every passing moment. I say that life has been too harsh but then I realise that I have lived it all, haven’t I ? Or was it always you, O Lord? I refuse to agree. It’s never been that way. I beg your pardon but that’s the way you’ve made me.
I choose to live in the world you sent me to and I choose to live in it with dignity. The fear of unknown resides in me yet I choose to give back to life the way it sent what was meant for me. I do not know what you behold for me but I shall have it only when I choose for it to belong to me. If I am meant to be treated the way I am then the drops of dew, the flowers of every hue, the rays of the glowing ball and the shimmer of the twinkling dots shall all go dry. For one reason that you chose their destiny. But I refuse to let you hold the reins.
I have been given the power to give life and to nurture it. I will set them all free, the birds - they will fly; what they are meant to do and I shall sing the song of glory. I do not remain the one you had sent, I have grown. I have grown to love and learn from everything around me. I too shall fly like the birds one day. I too shall look down upon you.
But You have made me this way, whatever it may be I will still love you.
This isn’t me or may be it just is, the woman in me who awaits her decision. I choose to be her, I choose to be a woman - the rebel in me.”
“This is how the story went, I met someone by accident…He blew me away.
But like everything I have ever known would disappear one day so I spend my whole life hiding my heart away…!”
— Songs that we Love to quote by Adele
So, I haven’t written in a long while and I was just watching a reality TV show which got me thinking. No, I rarely watch those and I was surfing through the channels when an interesting experiment seemed to be playing on this one channel and I was intrigued. The show had a few girls and a few guys dating each other in a dark room over a day or two, at least that’s what I gathered, at the end of which they are revealed to one another after which they decide if they want to date each other “in the real world”.
Wow. So. Dating is a serious business or maybe the makers of this show think so. Anyhow, this show got me thinking, about myself. So now, there are these three men and women, a little older than me, who are there looking for someone out there to spend a good chunk of their lives with if not the whole if it and here, there is this one me who has never, NEVER, dated anyone forget looking for someone to spend my life with. Now these people, they also seemed pretty grounded in the dating world of today, even avid readers of “The Date Rule Book Series”, would you believe? It is almost difficult to think that there aren’t people in the real world where real men meet real women and real women meet real men who haven’t dated much, or even not at all - just trying to still keep myself alive in the picture.
It bothers me to learn and make myself believe that there aren’t as many people or for that matter as many people as I’d like in the world who aren’t so experienced with the entire date-o-drama, like me and it further worries me sometimes that when the time comes I shall lose out on my Mr. Right for the lack of possessing these skills.
Having said this, would I still go a date and make up for the lost time? In all likelihood, NO.
I’m the kind of girl who gets asked out to dates by weird men, by men who are either too old or who take coffee too seriously; amongst the many other categories. I’m also the kind of girl who takes a lot of pain in coming up with excuses an hour before the date to bail herself out, if the date is really cute that is, but I still bail out - no matter what.
What I let myself do, on the other hand, is that I allow myself to meet and talk to people, specifically men in this context over the internet and just flirt, sometimes merely reciprocate flirtations. It doesn’t happen much too often for people can easily seem attractive in such a scenario and be far from it in reality. However, my point being that I haven’t kicked myself out yet and this show has really shaken up my otherwise cemented mind.
Maybe I shouldn’t stiffen up at the thought of someone wanting to spend some good time with me. Maybe I should loosen up a little, let my heart breathe. Right?
Maybe, dating doesn’t have to be so much of a serious affair after all.
“Sometimes, lovers die. Sometimes, love dies.” — Little Experience That Likes to Talk
Anonymous asked: can you be in love with your girlfriend/boyfriend, but then again have a mad crush on someone else?
You can be in love with more than one person at a point in time, I think, but each of it is unique. You will never love anyone like you love your mom and likewise you will never love someone else like you love your gf/bf right now. I think you are just merely attracted to someone. Talk about it with your gf/bf if you think they can handle it and maybe you will be able to figure why this is happening.
Btw, sorry for the late response. I have been away and under a pile of mess :S